Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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