Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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