I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Randomize
