i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
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So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
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I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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