My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
two words...techno handjob
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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