I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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