i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
