It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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