K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
