Your face is a jimmy john
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
