I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize