Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
