Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
