You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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