i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
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