i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
