I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
