woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
