____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just had sex bonerless
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
