Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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