They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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