i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
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