i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
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Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
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I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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