i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
