On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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