hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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