here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
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how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
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Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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