I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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