I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
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