when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
