How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
