I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
