what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
