We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
