i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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