how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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