Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
