I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My penis needs a shock collar
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
