I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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