omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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