I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Randomize
