____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I looked at my own cervix.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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