We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
