wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
