you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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