Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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