Can i not drive my cunt home
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
