The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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