I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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