Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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