I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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