I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
