I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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