She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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