Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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