so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
