my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
