watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
