sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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